Bet the house, bringing down the house, betting the house’s money, headed to the big house.  The “house” metaphor has long been synonymous with gambling.  But for some it’s more than a metaphor.  For those of you wondering how JP Morgan could lose $2+ billion in light of the recent “financial meltdown”, I’m wondering how they haven’t lost more.  Imagine going to Vegas gambling and losing way, way beyond your means.  You hear a knock on your hotel room door and see the casino manager through the peephole.  Just as you realize that the hotel’s windows don’t open, the manager in a calm voice says, “You know all that jing you owe us?  Well forget it.”  Sounds good to you but now you are wondering what you have to do: perform sex acts, sell your soul?  Regardless you are ready, able and willing to do it.  The manager says, “Just try and not to do it again”.  Now insert Presidents Bush and Obama for the casino manager.  The banks know they can gamble without consequence.  In addition the banks lost $2 billion of their customers money but the bank members themselves well they always bet against the customer and made $2 billion.

The only better definition  of “playing with the houses’s money” would be Curt Schilling’s con job on the state of Rhode Island.  Schilling was a far right Republican who believed in smaller government.   That was until he Rhode Island gave him 75 million reasons to believe in government assistance.  Well Schilling took the $75 million and did what you or I would do; he pocketed most of it, spent some of the remaining and blew the rest.  So when he missed a loan payment you know what he said to the Governor of Rhode Island?  ”If you expect me to pay you back I’m going to need more money,”  seriously.

I thought I would receive more fan mail for giving my readers the Derby Winner “I’ll Have Another”.  ESPN’s Jay Cronley actually wrote and congratulated me.  For a horseplayer that is analogous to Keith Richards saying you are a great drug addict or President Bush saying you are a world class thief.  For Jay’s analysis click here.

Turns out Jay and I are of like mind this week.  There are only four horses that have a chance.

1.  5 Went the Day Well – days have been wenting better with each race.

2. 7 Bodemeister – Pace and heat of Derby didn’t take it out of him, until the final turn at Pimlico.

3.  9 I’ll Have Another – The Derby more like a lottery, Preakness like an actual horse race.

4.  6 Creative Cause –  In the two weeks the horse has flown California/Kentucky/California/Maryland.  Jet lag has him going while top three are coming.

Long shot 4 Zetterholm – Horse well rested and trainer constantly running from law.

KOKO

When I was growing up it was explained to me that United States politics was dominated by two political parties: Democrats and Republicans.  Democrats who represent both the working people and the poor were symbolized by a donkey.  Republicans’ whose motto was “More bombs less grandmothers” trademarked the elephant.  Clearly these images were selected long before the existence of ad execs as neither image  is very accurate, attractive or compelling.  At some point maybe in the 2000s these parties and their principles disappeared.  They were replaced by liars and whores.

There is a very close United States Senate race going on in Massachusetts.  Elizabeth Warren represents the liars and Scott Brown represents the whores.  Warren claims to come from an underprivileged background and as such is a friend to working men and women.  Warren claims (lied) that she started the Occupy movement.     While not exactly clear how the Occupy movement started what is clear Warren had absolutely nothing to do with it.  Warren says she is working/middle class and as such she understands the challenges we are facing.  “I realize there are some wealthy individuals – I’m not one of them, but some wealthy individuals who have a lot of stock portfolios” She is lyng.  On her financial disclosure form her net worth was about $14.5 million, largely in stock portfolios.  Not sure what class that is but it ain’t middle.  ”By the way, Beth, mind of I call you Beth, the middle class isn’t being challenged it is being exterminated.”

The general theme of her campaign is that she has consistently fought for consumer rights.  Apparently Traveler’s Insurance, for whom Warren received $44,000 consulting fee is now pro-consumer.  That would make Traveler’s the first insurance company in history to be on the same side as its policyholders.  Warren consulted Traveler’s on a Supreme Court case that saved the insurance company and cost consumers hundreds of millions of dollars.  ”I helped on the Supreme Court case and we won,” Warren said. “If we lost, there never would have been another mass tort settlement fund created by an insurance company. Then a lot of people would have been hurt. I worked on the case so people could get the compensation they deserve.”   If the people received compensation there would not have been a lawsuit.  Since the people lost their compensation was zero.  Unless you think people who make insurance claims deserve zero, Beth, you are lying.

The capper however for the multi-millionaire, pro insurance candidate is her claim to be of American Indian descent.  First of all she could wear sun block 50 at in Hampton Beach in December and still get a third degree burn.  She has been repeatedly asked to document her claim that she is part American Indian, she can’t.  When you say something and someone asks you to prove the veracity of the claim and you can’t, that is Webster’s definition of a lie.  She says her ancestry claim is based on family lore.  What’s more romantic saying your grandparents were Cherokee Indians or broke immigrants?  Finally, she claims she has never used her “minority status” to her advantage.  Total lie.  If you don’t include every teaching position for which she was hired that would then make her statement true.  Unfortunately she has spent the bulk of her career as a law school professor.

Warren’s opponent is the whore Scott Brown.  Scott paints himself as a moderate Republican who is willing to break from party lines.  That was until for a large fee he got into bed with Wall Street.  Isn’t that pretty much the definition of a whore?  He has taken more money from Wall Street than almost any other politician.  One website pretty much sums it up. “He votes accordingly, helping Republicans filibuster against tax increases for millionaires and for big oil that would help the middle class. The solutions Brown looks for are the same solutions Republicans always look for, protecting the wealthy. That’s precisely what he did in in the Dodd-Frank bill, extorting Democrats by holding out his vote in return for a protections for Wall Street.”  (Speaking of Wall Street who does that JP Morgan trader who lost $2 billion like in next week’s Preakness?)

Why shouldn’t he protect the rich he’s one of them.  The issue is how did a state senator from Wenham become a millionaire. According to Brown his autobiography.  Speaking of that the story of an unknown, lowly state politician isn’t going to sell a lot of books.  So in an effort to sell books Brown prostituted himself by stating for the first time he was the victim of childhood sexual abuse.  Like Warren’s Sitting Bull claim Brown offers absolutely no documentation or support for this claim.  Some editor in New York figured correctly that most people would be embarrassed by such a claim and not press the Senator for further explanation.  If true, Brown’s failure to name his molester possibly endangered other children.  Scott Brown’s book has been consistently in the Amazon 200,000 to 300,000 sales range.  My book Drown is in the 400,000 range.  So if Brown is making twice the royalties I’m making that is about $400 not $500,000.  Senator Brown’s wealth comes from receiving cash and and stock tips in return for favors.   Whore, definition – a person who has compromised principles in exchange for personal gain (insert picture of Scott Brown).

Of course the really, really good politicians are members of both parties.  Take President Obama, realizing defeat in November to an empty suit, Mitt Romney is imminent, Obama who was against gay marriage in a desperate grab for votes is suddenly in favor of gay marriage.  He’s a liar and a whore.

KOKO

When you are on a bad luck streak and yours truly is on one of epic proportions the only thing that keeps you going (sometimes) is knowing you are owed a change of fortune.  So in addition to the surfboard being lifted we haven’t seen a wave here in the Northeast in months.  Obviously whatever was bothering fellow surfer Junior Seau, he felt he couldn’t wait for the turnaround.   Maybe it was a flat spell out in San Diego as well.  I feel your pain Junior and sorry to see you go.  At least now we have the antithesis to “Tebowing” its called “Seauing”.

Pretty much everyone is tired of hearing about the surfboard.  I’m sure in this poor excuse of a world we presently live in everyone has been the victim of theft.  I’ve been told more than once, “Get over it.”  However, taking a surfer’s board is not like taking an iPod, a purse or even car.  Boards are unique to their owners so taking a board takes not just a part of the surfer but a part of his/her soul.  We are due for a shark attack here in the Northeast.  When it happens I’ll bet even money the victim will be riding my stolen Walden.

Speaking of even money its Christmas all over again with the first Saturday in May otherwise known as Kentucky Derby Day. “Well when you’re sitting back in your rose pink cadillac/Making bets on Kentucky Derby Day/Ah, I’ll be in my basement room with a needle and a spoon/And another girl to take my pain away.”  So while Mick in Keith are in the basement doing their thing I am reading horse picker, handicapper extraordinaire Jay Cronley.  For both a laugh and some solid investment advice click here.

If your looking to decrease your odds from 1 in 20 to 1 in 16 read on.

1.  3 Take Charge Indy – Has the breeding and the speed.  If you’ve seen or heard Calvin Borel you know his success on the First Saturday in May can only be divine intervention. Never good betting against God, trust me I know.

2.   8 Creative Cause – Name indicates financial support for starving artist.

3.  15 Gemologist – Close friend of LOL (Lovely Old Lady).

4.  19 I’ll Have Another – Name rings a bell for some reason

If you believe my luck is about to turn then go to the nearest race track teller or Off Track Betting window and say, “Eleventh Race at Churchill on Saturday” and bet the above numbers in any and all combinations.

If you believe in more calculated risks buy what Jay Cronley is selling.

KOKO

The 2000′s were the decade to be gay.  We had gay rights, gay weddings, gay clergy the list goes on and on.  Gay people had gone from victim to victor and they threw a decade long party.  No one celebrates like the gays.  Things were going so well even some straight people wished they were gay.

With the end of the decade the celebration of sexuality (homosexuality in particular) ended.  In fact given the way Vice President Bush (W) and President Cheney ran things into the ground pretty much every celebration ended.  The downbeat mood has continued under the new management.  With Obama’s failure to stand for anything, the government repeatedly settles for nothing.  A negative tone continues to pervade various social issues.

Somehow now every where you turn someone is the victim of racism.  On Sunday Boston.com, the Boston Globe website ran four stories about racism on their home page.  The problem is as far asI can see most of this “racism” doesn’t actually exist.  Today, for example, Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick accused Arizona and Alabama of being racist.  I don’t agree with the Arizona immigration laws but they apply to all illegals: white, green, brown, yellow or black.

Of course this all started with the Trayvon Martin matter.  Unfortunately there is no racism in the Trayvon Martin matter either. First of all Webster’s Dictionary defines racism as “a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race.”  Trayvon Martin was no innocent victim.  First he was at a minimum a truant who was involved in petty crime, thievery in particular.  He was in a neighborhood where he didn’t live that had experienced a rash of break-ins.  He followed and by all accounts was engaged in a physical altercation with Robert Zimmerman, a hispanic male.  Although no innocent and no victim Mr. Martin did not deserve to die. But when politicians pass irrational laws like Florida’s “Stand Your Ground” you are going to get irrational results.  Based on the above definition I am unclear as to where the racism occurred.  Apparently so was CBS so the network in violation of every rule of journalism edited the 911 call in attempt to create a race issue.  Convicted felon and racist Al Sharpton (who knows quite a bit about how to falsify a racist claim) marched indignantly down to Florida.

One of the Globe stories referenced above was saying that Washington hockey player Joel Ward was the victim of racism because some upset Bruins fans used racist language.  One, I’m not sure you can be the victim if you are unaware of the attack. Two it turned out that the “tweet” was from some idiot high school kid, whose Mother made him apologize.  So Al Sharpton who falsifies a racial crime is now a statesman and a dumb high school kid almost started a race riot?

Speaking of minorities how about Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren?  As a kid her nick name could have been “milk”.  When she found out Harvard was looking to “diversify” and hire minorities her application said she was American Indian.  Ironically, her Indian heritage disappeared right around the time she gained tenure and a $350,000 a year salary.  On the one hand I can’t blame her about lying about being a minority it’s not like she could have slept her way into Harvard.

Unfortunately, misunderstanding of peoples’ differences creates fear.  Fear leads to anger which is sometimes displayed as racism as defined above.  But racism is not as prevalent as it was twenty years ago and not nearly as prevalent as the Globe, CBS or Governor Patrick would lead you to believe.   Trying to mislead people into believing there is a racist climate does a disservice to us all.  Elizabeth Warren claiming she is a minority is an insult to minorities who are actually victims of racism.  She’s worse than racist.

I can’t say that I have I’ve been the victim of racism but I’ve learned a lot about discrimination.  As a defense attorney taking court appointed cases I am repeatedly having to fight to get paid.  Meanwhile, judges, cops, clerks and probation officers never miss a check.   If no one cares if defense attorneys are discriminated against its not really discrimination, right Governor Patrick?  How about trying to get a flat tire on your Honda fixed at a Harley mechanic?  Question: “Was wondering if you could fix this tire for me.”  Answer “Go F yourself” and that was the high point of the conversation.

Finally, try being a single, straight white guy over the age of 45.  In this decade where the search for “diversity” is a code word for fear of being an accused racist,  there isn’t anyone anywhere who’s looking to even be seen with a guy like me.

The world would be a better place if everyone stopped screaming “I’m (insert color), I’m a victim.”

KOKO

One thing I failed to mention in the last post was that although I haven’t been lucky, I’ve had more than my share of bad luck. Someone shortened their life expectancy significantly by stealing my new surfboard Friday. The Faithful may recall from a previous post what a surfboard means to a surfer. In fact right after an eye for an eye, I’m pretty sure the Good Book says, “A life for a surfboard”. As I sat with the clicker in one hand and a loaded revolver in the other (debating on whether to use it on myself ) Tyler Sequin forced a game 7 Wednesday in Boston. In order for the Bruins to ultimately be successful in a series in which they have struggled mightily I took a page from the LOL (lovely old lady).

Hopefully this list will be posted on the Sub Zero in the Bruins’ locker room.

1. Fire Claude Julien. Bruins management missed a golden opportunity down 0-2 to Montreal to rid themselves of a leader whose incompetency rivals that of President Obama. Julien’s defenders repeatedly tell me, “He doesn’t play the game.” (As an aside few mention that he won the Cup showing most agree his impact on the team has not been positive.) Agreed he doesn’t play the game but he is responsible for game planning and personnel.  The Bruins’ power play hasn’t scored a playoff goal in two years.  The Philadelphia Flyers scored 12 power play goals in one series, eliminating the odds on cup favorite Penguins.   Had the Bruins scored a single power play goal in Games 1 through 5 of the series they would be moving on.  He has stayed with David Krejci as his first line center despite his detrimental play.  In a move that defies any explanation (in fact “Clode” didn’t even offer one) he benched Shawn Thornton for Game 6.  Thornton is the heart, sole and most importantly muscle of the Bruins.  So when Marchand was cheap shotted resulting in a Capital goal, the Bruins had no answer.  The answer wasn’t even in the building.  The talent on this team is a credit to the front office.  They find a way to win despite Clode’s repeated attempts to lose.

2.  Get a Meeting With the League Office –  Officiating doesn’t decide games, but in this series the zebra’s have come close.  In a fairly physical series the officials’ have called two ticky-tack penalties on the Bruins that decided two games. The slashing and hooking calls were deemed legal in the prior 57 minutes.  In a sequence in Game 6 an intentional offsides was called when the play was in a fact not even offside.  The Caps were allowed 7 men on the ice when the Bruins were on a delayed penalty.  Finally, Marchand was injured on a cheap shot, elbow to his head.   Every time the Caps feign an injury regardless of who has puck possession the whistle has been blown.  In Game 5, Corvo was felled with a shot.  No whistle until Washington scored.  Likewise on the Marchand hit the fact no penalty was called was compounded by the play being allowed to continue until Washington again scored.  The Capitals, Bruins and fans deserve a better job by the officials.

3.  Sleep all day Monday.  In a quirky schedule the teams played two games in 24 hours and then have 72 hours off.  Not so glad that NBC agreed to a national television contract now.

4.  New head coach Doug Jarvis works on power play all day Tuesday.  Bruins PP has to be more effective to come out on top Wednesday.

5.  Take Krejci’s nameplate out of locker room.  If Krejci were a non-factor that would be a huge improvement.  Meanwhile his stock has dropped lower than Lehman Brothers, he’s useless and now worthless.

6.  After the drop of the puck Thornton pounds Jason Chimera.  Bruins need to retaliate for blatant cheap shot on Marchand and set tone.

7.  In the immortal words of the late Al Davis, “Just Win Baby”.

KOKO

Luck – success or failure brought about through chance rather than one’s own actions.

I am not a lucky person. I have never won the lottery, I have never left Vegas on the plus side, my bookie calls me when he’s thinking of buying a new car, I have horses that are still running in races I bet years ago; you get the picture. (That being said I have been fortunate that often I haven’t been the recipient of what I actually deserve, thanks mostly to good family and friends.) Until recently I never realized how lucky I was to be unlucky. There is only one downside to luck and its a big one. Like most men or women you date (depending on your gender or preference) sooner or later, luck runs out. A roman philosopher once claimed, “luck is when preparation meets opportunity.” Not sure how much luck you needed back in ancient Rome. I mean basically no one worked, when they weren’t conquering empires they were drinking and having orgies. While often used I believe that phrase is both outdated and no longer relevant. Luck is just that, luck, it comes and more importantly it goes.

No where is this more evident than three of the Boston sports teams. Of course after the fifty year curse that was Harry Sinden the Bruins were due for a change in luck. Last year Coach Claude Julien was unable to motivate his team for most if not the whole playoffs. They were repeatedly beaten by lesser opponents. He has no idea how to handle the wealth of talent he’s been given. For the Bruins power play they should just take two minutes off the clock and then drop the puck at center ice five on five. Despite all of the glaring weaknesses at the helm the Bruins luckily won the Stanley Cup. At about 6 PM today in Washington, DC the Bruins and in particular Claude’s luck will officially run out. Unfortunately the Bruins fans bad luck will continue as long as “Clode” wanders aimlessly behind the bench.

How about those Red Sox? I think Boy Wonder GM Theo Epstein actually used the “preparation meets opportunity” once or twice. Theo luckily inherited a pretty good Dan Duquette team in 2004. Luckily everything went their way in 2007. But now the shortstop turnstile has stopped turning leaving that position empty. Carl Crawford is more like a lottery winner than a left fielder. There are four guys in the batting order on a major league team batting .100 or less. The bullpen, well what bullpen? Batting practice pitchers have given up fewer runs than the six arms sitting out in right field. Ownership was lucky to have Tito Francona. Bobby Valentine is a manager with a track record of failure. Thanks to both ownership and management a team that was lucky to win two championships in five years is now 100 years away from another. Luckily Red Sox fans know how to be patient.

Since no one cares about the NBA, least of all the players I’ll just touch briefly on the Celtics. No way was Kevin Garnett coming to a racist city like Boston right? Wrong? No way was the NBA going to have a signature franchise in the number six media market without a television contract or any season ticket holders. The league sends Garnett and Ray Allen to Boston to change the Celtics’ “luck”. As a player Danny Ainge was gritty, tough and a worker. Unfortunately, none of those qualities are relevant to being a general manager. Every Ainge move before or since has been a disaster. The sole exception being drafting Rajon Rondo which given Ainge’s drafting track record we now know to be pure luck.

So the “championship decade” here in Boston wasn’t due to anything other than luck. Hey, even a broken clock is right twice a day. Now that luck has left town we are left with the fact of the matter, like the old days, the Bruins, Red Sox and Celtics just suck.

KOKO

“Catch a cannon ball now, to take me down the line/My bag is sinkin’ low and I do believe it’s time./To get back to Miss Fanny, you know she’s the only one./ Who sent me here with her regards for everyone.” -The Weight.

Ironically, I was aware of The Band long before I was aware of their importance and significance in the history of American rock and roll. I remember driving with my Father, 42 years ago now and hearing, “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down” on the AM car radio. On first listen we were both instantly captivated by the music and the lyrics. Approximately thirteen years later Conspiracy was readying for gig at George Washington Hall (sold out, 2,500 seats for those still questioning my rock and roll fame). The opening act was a solo folk performer whose name is long forgotten. During sound check he played one of the most beautiful renditions of The Band’s The Weight.

I came to learn more and more about The Band. As a Dylan fanatic The Band obviously played a large role in Dylan’s music. Whether, it’s the Black Crowe’s version of “Don’T Do It”, The Grateful Dead and Furthur’s version of The Weight, any rock and roll band worth their salt plays a Band cover in tribute to one of the great American rock bands. Almost without exception “rockumentarys” suck momentously. “The Last Waltz” is the exception. The music is phenomenal. But the film somehow captures the unique dynamic between individual members of rock and roll bands. The film also captures the joy, the triumph, the sadness and the despair of rock and roll at the highest level. Ironically, the things that made The Band famous, beautiful women, drugs (The Weight is a timeline of heroin addiction), and Bob Dylan would ultimately be their down fall.

This afternoon the great Levon Helm caught that last Cannonball and passed away. I had the pleasure of seeing what turned out to be one of Levon’s last performances. Even at 71 and riddled with cancer he smiled every minute he was on that stage. His demise I fear is the opening of the flood gates to the passing of great, American, rock and roll as we know it. There was a time when musicians, outcasts of society by definition, lived the songs they wrote. The loneliness of the road, the torture and constant call of addiction, the troubled relationships. They paid their dues; wandering and playing, constantly and aimlessly. Now we reward glorified karaoke stars with shows such as American Idol. Present day rock stars are like water bottles, easily disposable and recyclable. So as real artists like Levon begin to fade so will great american rock and roll music.

“As there’s a flood out in California/And up North it’s freezing cold/And this living on the road/Is getting pretty old,” well Levon get some rest you earned it and Thank You.

KOKO

“I didn’t pay for the sex, I paid for them to leave when I asked.” Charlie Sheen during the Heidi Fleiss investigation.

Apparently, like most government agencies the secret service only got it half right. That is during an advance visit to Cartagena, Columbia they just didn’t pay for the sex . They then compounded the problem when they fell in love and allowed the women to stay the night. I unfortunately have never been to Cartagena but my guess is pretty much everything is legal, available and reasonable. Again, like most government employees the Secret Service’s idea of reasonable was $30 for a night of “anything goes”. Not sure the last time they were on Craig’s List (although probably not all that long ago from the looks of it) but I don’t think $30 is reasonable even in Latin America.

Still I am surprised by all the uproar over the fact that a few guys may have paid to get laid. Mitt Romney said, “The right thing to do is to remove people who have violated the public trust and have put their play time and their personal interests ahead of the interests of the nation.” Well Mitt if that was the standard we wouldn’t have a single politician presently in office. How else do you explain that despite an annual salary of approximately $150,000 the President and all members of Congress become multi-millionaires while in office?

A potential security breach has been among the concerns raised by members of Congress. In a letter to (Secret Service Director) Sullivan, Congressmen, said the agents “brought foreign nationals in contact with sensitive security information.” The secret service agents’ little three inches, although twice their IQ and apparently very sensitive, is certainly not security information. Further as these agents weren’t even staying at the same hotel as the President, they weren’t exactly trusted with the keys to the kingdom in the first place.

I’m just hoping that one of the agents will raise the defense that “interviewing” prostitutes was actually included in their advance duties. Maybe the agents are just holdovers from the Clinton regime and after a few too many drinks became confused? Maybe President Obama with his imminent loss to Romney combined with Michele’s constant leisure traveling on the taxpayer dime was beginning to feel a little under appreciated?

Regardless of the actual reason with all that’s happening in the world Congress is apparently again going to hold hearings regarding whether or not someone got laid. I mean we are talking sex here, not treason, not spying, not terrorism, s-e-x. Who gives a Flying Fcuk (pun intended)? Since we are paying Congress it would be nice if in November we simply asked them all to leave. After all there is no question we are also getting screwed.

KOKO

Boston has long been known for the excellence of its health care. Mass General, Beth Isreal, Mass Eye and Ear are all legendary. Wealthy people who wake up with a cough in Saudi Arabia are in a Boston hospital waiting room by lunch time. Well probably not a waiting room but you get the idea. So you would think if you played for a Boston professional sports team you would get the best health care imaginable.

However, if your a little short of breath, have agida, and your left arm is going numb you better pray you are no where near trhe Celtics’ locker room on Causeway Street. Danny Ainge was a decent player: scrappy, tough, and emotional. Unfortunately none of those qualities are helpful to a genral manager. Just four years ago the Celtics had a well below average “star” in Paul Pierce and little else including no televesion contract. Kevin Garnett upon hearing trade rumors said he would never play in a racist city like Boston. The NBA already unable to control the inmates in the asylum couldn’t afford for both an original six and top six media market team to go under. Garnett is forced to go to Boston, he brings a title and Ainge looks like a genius.

Looks aren’t everything though. Ainge left to his own devices trades fan favorite, Kendrick Perkins, with whom the Celtics had never lost a playoff series for Jeff Green. I would assume with the medical staff’s input Ainge overpays Green to the tune of $9 million. In adiition to being a lousy player, Green turns out to be a walking heart attack, literally. The Celtics medical staff now on notice you would think about heart issues is then asked to evaluate Ainge’s next poor acquistion, Chris Wilcox. About a month after a clean bill of health, Wilcox collapses with heart issues.

Despite the above you are still much better off taking ill at TD Banknorth then Fenway. The Red Sox who as it turns out have mishandled pretty much everything since 2007, in their despeartion to be rid of Theo, totally mishandled the compensation negotiations. That is once Theo was allowed to leave the Sox had no leverage. The irony being Theo loved to overpay, poor free agents when the player had absolutely no leverage. After much haggling the Sox received minor league, journeyman reliever Chris Carpenter. I would assume the Sox medical staff poured over his medical records before clearing the trade. Despite a history of elbow problems apparently no one asked Carpenter to throw a pitch, which it turns out he coudn’t.

The reason the Red Sox doctor’s malpractice insurance has been canceled, however, is Bobby Jenks. Jenks was at a minimum one hundred pounds over weight. Anyone who has had back difficulties knows that weight and stomach strength are key to relief. Jenks didn’t pass the eye test for an athlete much less a physical. When he broke the scale at the beginning of the exam that should have been a clue. How about the psychological exam? Jenks is a con man, constant complainer, and med seeker. In short he had all the signs of an addict. This is the only way to explain the Red Sox’ shock when Jenks after popping two handfuls of pills (remember he’s a big guy) hit every car, in every strip joint parking lot between Fort Meyers and Tampa.

So if you are at a game and not feeling well and you see the Red Sox or Celtics medical staff attending to you, well let’s just say its game over for you, literally.

KOKO

One of my motorcycles is a Royal Enfield. It’s basically a 1944 British Military Bike. Their motto is “Untainted by Technology”. So when I was in the heart of the Big Dig tunnel with traffic going about 75mph and my untainted by technology machine became untainted by power (again, just like 1944) I saw my life flash before my eyes. I was actually able to get it going (by kick starting like crazy, just like 1944). When I got home I realized a nick in the positive battery cable was causing a short. How I found this out was by touching the bike’s metal frame which had become a conduit for the power. So basically, I jumped a mile, my hair stood on end, and my finger started smoking, you guessed it, just like 1944.
As a housewarming gift I received a Pioneer Elite, surround sound receiver. My hope was that I could both maximize the pre-wired speakers around the house and organize the flatscreen, blue ray and dvr. Receiving the unit for gratis you would think I would spring for the installation. I didn’t. Although given my complete lack of mechanical inclination (see above electrocution) I didn’t do it myself. Instead I waited two months for the builder to find the free time to hook it up. After five years of college and four years of law school I figured I could determine how to use it, wrong again.
My Father’s theory i if you can read you can do anything. (The flaw in this theory is the reason for say a jet pilot’s license. Under his theory your next commercial flight could be piloted by a fourth grader.) The “easy, quick start manual” is 100 pages. The on-line actual manual is slightly longer than War and Peace.
The “Universal Remote” has 64 buttons all of which have two functions. You can barely read the tiny buttons much less the smaller secondary function. The remote also has two power buttons. I can’t figure out who thought that was a good design idea. One power button controls the cable box and flat screen and the other controls the receiver. The problem is each power button negates the other so its essentially impossible to get all three units on at the same time. Plus its not really a “Universal” remote if it is divided into two sets of controls, right?
Here is an example from the “quick start” manual: “Playing a source, switch on your components and receiver. (This as set forth above is already impossible). Press AUTO/ALC/DIRECT (AUTO SURR/ALC/STREAM DIRECT) to select ‘AUTO SURROUND’ and start playback of the source.” I have e-mailed NASA the above and I am hoping for a translation into English by the morning. I also called the Geek Squad who may be able to help me as soon as my $169.99 payment clears.
Whether untainted or tainted by technology there are people like me who are still screwed.

I didn’t have these problems in Costa Rica.

KOKO